Comment on Ouroboros, Part 6 – The Tumblers Fall by storygirl

the only thing that doesn’t work for me is the analytical statements Hasan is making in his mind when he figures out it’s Charlie. the whole thing about realizing the ouroboros imagery, etc. his voice is just too coolly analytical and i feel like it would be way more realistic if he were just totallly shocked and thoughts came out in bits and pieces – flashbacks even to his Mom’s face, holding Charlie after the explostion, etc. not having the prsence of mind to offer an analysis of how Charlie was taken and made to become a killing machine. i think Hasan would be more dumbfounded at the incredible contrast between the Charlie he knew and loved and thought of all these years and this total stranger and freak standing in front of him; or at least just have his head spinning – and just be able to say: Charlie, Charlie – Charlie – my Charlie.and maybe sya something referring to their Mom or their childhood games – that’s what i would find more normal in this circumstance and more honoring of the total surprise. when you have him talk in such organized and cool terms it sounds too contrived.



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